Today is a good day.

When drug user's go to AA meetings they tell them to take it one day at a time, that is so true. Drug user's can go for days sometimes months not wanting a taste of their drug. They call them good days. It is for them. The ones who fight them and see what they do to themselves and other's it's never a good day. We still have to deal with it. It use to piss me off when he would come home from a benge and tell me he was sorry and I had to act like it was OK. In reality I wanted to scream " Do not see what this is doing to me!" At times I wanted to leave sooo bad but I knew that I had no where to go and I was pregnant for his child. I truly loved him. I knew what his soul was like and I just had to get him to see it. He didn't find it for himself till Dec. 24Th 2008. He was baptized and has done so good lately. I will write more later and again if there is any one out there who needs to talk. Let me know. I can only tell you how I got through it and maybe it can help you to. Let me say this though Al non is a great program and if you have a chance to go to one of their meetings then go. They can help you so much. Just that sometimes we need some ONE to understand and listen and I can do that.

I am going to talk about the effects Now

My husband is 44 yrs old and he is now dealing with the effects of using for so long. He has back problems,he has lost his hearing do to fluid that has built up over the years. Because he has messed up his sinuses. He has a hole in his nose from doing cocaine. At night he will wake up choking because he can't breath. He has abused his body so bad that now he is feel the after affects of the drugs. He is now off the cocaine but is now hooked on pills. Hell who isn't anymore I take them myself. Even though they were given to me by a doctor to start with I still became addicted to them. I was never the addict I was always the one saving the addicts and now here I am one myself. So you see drugs do not care who you are. And drugs are not the bad ones in this it is us. The ones who have to have that extra something to get by. Drug addicts are never happy with just being high on life they have to go beyond that. What makes them that I don't know, maybe if we did it would be easier to stop using.We all want to feel better in some way. We may have a bowl of ice cream or a face lift, a shopping spree or let's pop another pill, snort another line or take another sip.What can it hurt right? That extra becomes the normal then you have to take more extra, then that becomes normal. Then before you know it you are an addict. After years of being an addict my husband is showing the sign of abuse and know I have another fight on my hands. I want him to live a long time but I am so scared that he has done to much damage. Even now he will come to me and talk me into letting him get alittle coke so he can get it out of his system. It is not like it use to be I will tell my self and it's only this once. So not only is he in a routine so am I. This has become my life as much as his. It is a roller coaster that has no brakes. I wonder if it will ever stop. And on the other hand I am scared for it to stop. If you have never been in this kind of situation then you don't know what I mean. If you are in this situation then you know exactly what I mean. I will leave you with my rumbling thought today because that is what I feel. I am in rumbles today and I needed to share. Thank You for listening.

Here we go again

I think it is funny how we become suckers for the ones we love. By no means was my life normal. What is normal anyway. Who defines it. Where is the person that says this is normal or that is normal. Is normal for me the same as it is for you.I don't know. I guess if you feel ok about how you are living your life and your not hurting anyone else then I guess that would be normal, right? What I am getting at is that dealing with my husbands drug abuse became normal to me. So much that when he finally decided to get fully clean I was scared to find out who he truily was.Would he need me any more, would I like the person he was off the drugs? That is the kind of thinking you go through when your normal is in runes. It just is . Like I said before he was a passive user, he would be so helpful around the house, washing dishes, cooking, folding clothes.You name it he would help me do it. When he wasn't using he was a lazy man . Depressed all the time, could not get him out of bed. He would always go to work. He provided for his family well. It was that up and down stuff that would drive me crazy. I didn't know what to expect from one day to the other. This was his personality when he was using. he was always loving, attentive to my needs,we would talk for hours,treated me as his queen. Rubbed my feet, rubbed my back, combed my hair, washed my hair, we had great sex. I fell in love with the addict and when it was time for him to stop, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to. That sounds so bad,but it is true.I really didn't know the clean person and I was scared. i don't know what that makes me but there it is. It's late and need to go, again would love to hear from you.

What is your family like

This is not a blog about how great your family is.We all can say great things about our family . What we don't talk about is the things that piss us off about our family. When we enter this world we can not pick who we are linked to or where we are going to live. I will tell you alot of what my life is about and you can comment or not.Here I will try to help any one who needs someone to talk to or advice. I am not a doctor or anything like that. What I am is a mother of two teenage girls that has a 8th grade education and has dealt with my husband and brother at the same time on drugs. Hard drugs. No names of the people we talk about because we wouldn't want to HURT THEIR FEELING OR ANYTHING.Even though our has been stomp on over and over we can be better then that. Now let me tell you alittle about me. I am 37 yrs old and have been married to a drug addicit for 15 yrs. My brother is now 30 yrs old and our mother was a druggie herself.When he was 15 yrs old he started using drugs any drugs he could get.My mother felt that she did not want him at the house any more so she had me raise him. My husband was a cocain user before I met him and he hid it well from. I fount out after six months of us being together how bad he really was. At that point I was so in love with him that I could not let him go. He was always in sales and dam good at it. The first time I fount out about his use was when he went to work on day on a friday and I did not see him till that Sunday.That was the first binge he went on. I was so scared of what had happened to him.I started calling his friends. I was the only one that didn't know about his use. It seemed that I was the one in the dark.So I stayed up every night fighting the anger and the hurt. Wanting to get my hands around his neck. Later I would find out that he was held up in a hotel room with hores. He would come home looking like crap and tell me how much he was sorry and that he needed help. That would work for about two weeks and then he would binge again. How could I stop it,how could I fight something that I could not see or feel.I knew that I loved this man so much that I was not willing to let the cocain win. So I fought and I fought hard. I was fighting for his life and mine. Before this man came into my life I was a lost soul.Up to that point my life had been filled with heart ache and pain, he showed me how to love. He was a passive user. When he was not using he was and is a beautiful person.I was dealing with a man who was sick and could not do anything to help his self and I was not going to sit there and let this man die. He has been clean for 5 yrs now and it was because I made him fight with me. Some times you have to pick your battles and hopefully win the war. I had to get him to talk to me about this. So finally after he seen that I was not going to give up on him,he finally started talking.We came to a compermise about his use. He would not lie to me when he needed to use and I would help him to get his mind off of it.Some times it worked other times it didn't. On the times that it didn't work I would go with him to get a small amount and then we would go home, I would take the keys and anyother ways for him to leave the house and he would use his drug and we would have great sex. After that it would be done for a while. Alot of people asked me why I would stay. My answer to them would be if you loved some one would you walk away from them if they had cancer. That is how I saw it he had a sickness. Now I will be the first to tell you that not all the drug addicts can be saved or not all of them are safe to be around. It changes their moods and some can be down right mean.If you know some one who is using drugs and they are mean then they need proffesional help.I was just lucky to have a passive drug user.Alot of you will not agree with me. That is ok. But like the saying goes you don't know what you would do until you walk in that persons shoes. I could have chose to leave but instead I choose to fight for what I love.It paid off for me. I now have a great husband,a bestfriend and my soul mate. I could not ask for more then that.He treats me as his queen and he shows me how much he loves me evryday. This I will write more on it later. My next post will be about my brother so stay tuned. If you have any thing to ask me then I will do my best to answer them. If you are some one who is going through this then we can work it out toghether. I know how you have to keep their dirty little secerts. You also feel that if you talk to someone you will be betraying them. I know that it is time for me to heal and the only way for me to do that is to get it out of my mind. Maybe through my experiances I can help some one else. So please feel free to post a comment if you would like. Thank you for your support.